I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
