I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
