Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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