i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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