i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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