im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I am one with the molecules
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
