I puked a lego.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
