party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize