went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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