I accidentally had phone sex last night
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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