I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
