there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
