In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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