My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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