It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
