I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
