Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
