If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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