Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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