Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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