I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
