I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
