I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
