I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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