you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
