I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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