Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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