so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
