There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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