I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
