i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize