Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
