i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
