she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
