His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
