you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
