I can text with my tongue
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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