Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
