just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
