You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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