thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
