I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
