I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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