he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
