fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
