just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
