Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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