if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
