Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize