I am in a vortex of obligation.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
