took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm too high and old for this...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize