when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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