I'm so fucking centered right now
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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