Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
