sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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