he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
