Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
