A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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