Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
