I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We just shotgunned beers for America
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
