In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
