just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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