Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize