The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
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